A friend of mine studies in college in the same town as where I live. We don’t see each other that often. Roughly once a month. However, I know that when we meet, we’re going to have a good time together. We can talk on for hours about our ideas, struggles, or plans. No small talk or judgments. Just genuinely listening to one another. Few words are needed to understand each other. We have a different kind of conversation. That’s exactly what makes me look forward to every next time we meet.
More heart to heart conversations
Conversations like I have with my friend make me ponder what distinguishes small talk from the more profound conversations. There are a couple of principles that helped me to have more meaningful conversations:
- Empathy is the crucial ingredient that binds everything together for a sincere conversation. Put yourself in the shoes of the speaker to understand what the person means with his words, how he is feeling, and what he wants. Sometimes we just nod and say, “Yeah, I get it,” while we just wait our turn to speak. Empathy requires careful listening.
- Asking questions about what people say is the best confirmation you can give the speaker that you really listen to them.
- Be honest and authentic. Some people always try to impress with the amount of money they make, the amazing party they were invited to last weekend, or how many job opportunities they got, and so on. Subconsciously, people do this to gain respect, but sooner or later, it backfires. Instead, when I’m in a conversation where a friend openly talks about her fears and frustration, that’s when I feel I can truly trust somebody. It is not realistic that everything goes well all the time. Everybody carries problems and fears within them; if we never talk about them, or we pretend you have no, we don’t gain any trust or respect. However, when we are honest and open to someone, they will often open up themselves too. This is the sweet spot where valuable conversations take place.
- As empathy is the binder of the dish, using someone’s name is the spice that finishes it off. Hearing our names makes us feel unique. Saying “thanks, Olivia” instead of “thanks” really makes a difference; the latter is way less personal, while the former immediately establishes a bond.
“They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel.” — Carl W. Buehner
One Thing
Paying close attention to what people say has some magical power that is overlooked by many of us. It creates a connection with someone. It gives them a sense of trust and respect in you. Just open your ears, be a genuine listener, and your conversations will not be the same anymore. Every story has a moral.
